


As If: Trading Spaces, Avengers Edition

by breejah



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Earth Marvel Universe, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I Don't Even Know, If Steve and Thor were Valley Girls, KWEEN AU, don't hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 07:03:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19351897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breejah/pseuds/breejah
Summary: Steve and Thor are missing, and in their place are two misplaced Superhero(in)es from Earth 456, Stephanie Rogers and Thor, Mistress of Thunder -- the Avengers may never be the same again.Rated M for cursing, blatant sexual innuendo, and general stupidity.





	As If: Trading Spaces, Avengers Edition

**Author's Note:**

> You can blame all the internet meme makers for this trainwreck. One too many pics of Chris and Chris sporting hoop earrings and acrylic nails spawned this nightmare. (You're welcome!)
> 
> Dedicated to all the horrible (lovely/awesome) people in a fanfic group I'm part of who asked for this when no one should have. XD

The meeting was almost adjourned and everyone was rising from their seats, ready to start their day with the clean up plans after the defeat of Thanos, when a familiar pair of girlish screams pierced through the walls as the double doors to the Avengers facility were slammed open.

“You did _ NOT  _ lose our invites! Sit your asses down RIGHT NOW, or so help me GOD, I’ll break into your phones and post your nudes on the internet.”

Natasha noted out of the corner of her eye how quickly Antman, War Machine and others -  _ dear god, was that ROCKET? _ \- sat down. She tried not to make a face and must have failed, from how Captain Marvel suddenly seemed very close to dying of internal laughter, her shoulders shaking.

_ “SO...FRICKIN’...RUDE!”  _ Thor followed, tossing her one good feature snappishly over one shoulder - her hair.

“I swear, sis, these bitches better  _ NOT  _ have eaten all the petite fours that Jarvis makes,” muttered Stephanie Rogers, the Captain America everyone was stuck with from Earth 456, now that Steve was out of commission. The audible groan from Natasha’s fellow teammates made her feel slightly better about the growl that burst past her lips as her and Thor stormed inside.

“Yeah, my name is Vision now, so--,” he started, only to be shushed by the clicking of long manicured nails from the both of them as they stormed inside, eyes furious and makeup looking like something off of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

“We’ll talk names later, daddy, don’t worry,” Thor whispered to Vision, winking, only for Natasha to watch Wanda go red-hot in fury - _literally_. She rubbed a hand across her brow. This was going to be a very,  _ very _ long day.

The worst part was, they looked  _ just _ like them - their old teammates, except they had breasts and all the bitchiness one would associate with a Valley Girl with a maxed out credit card.  _ And to think, I used to think Steve was too prudish, Thor too honorable,  _ she thought, giving them both a scowl when they walked up to the conference table, both wearing bright neon dresses that looked painted on. Stephanie was wearing orange, Thor was wearing a pink that - if stared at too long - promised one hell of a headache. 

She wanted to vomit - never in her life had she ever wanted to know what Steve or Thor would look like with tits, and now - now she could see Stephanie’s nipples through her dress and caught her winking at her. Turned out, the reality of Steve and Thor as women was far, _far_ worse. That time, when Stephanie winked, she brought her hand over her mouth, feeling bile rise up in her throat - to Stephanie, it must’ve seemed like she was covering a smile, but in reality it was to bite back a gag. Sitting at her side, Danvers caught what the cover up really was and actually did laugh that time, making Natasha glare her way as Thor dropped her Prada - _mjolnir-in-disguise_ \- on the table, nearly shattering it.

“ _ So,  _ since you whores started without us, who’s gonna tell us what was covered and where you need us?”  Stephanie asked, dropping her shield - which was a horrendously USA-styled Tokidoki Unicorn, on the table beside Thor’s magenta Prada-hammer. The table groaned ominously at the added weight.

Natasha flickered her eyes distastefully over their outfits and the added stress on the conference table. She was about to open her mouth, telling them both that they wouldn’t be needed today - or tomorrow, or the day after that, and if they’d just keep working with Scott and Professor Pym and his wife, they could work on getting back home, to their world, wherever the fuck that would be - when Groot and Drax stormed inside. They skittered to a halt when everyone turned their way, staring. 

Carol, at this point, had almost sunk shoulder-height under her side of the table, giggling like a school girl on crack. Natasha and the others couldn’t help but stare, horrified, as both looked at Stephanie and Thor like they’d just met the love of their life. Natasha's eyes went wide, flickering between them and the two women, who twittered with girlish giggles and flirtatious winks back at them both. _Are they?...no wait, they aren't...?_ Drax grinned, Groot 'grooted' and -- Natasha had her answer.

_Dear fucking god in heaven,_ she inwardly groaned. _How is that even possible?_ Her eyes looked towards Groot, swooping low, inspecting for something she never, in all her life - and she'd seen some _shit_ in her day - expected herself to look for. Does  _a tree man even HAVE a working dick? And Drax--he--just-_ ** _what?_** Looking back at Thor, she realized she didn't even want to know.

“Hello, ladies. We didn’t know you would be here,” Drax began, crooning at Thor, staring with no small amount of desire - and that odious handbag. “Have you been here long?”

“I am _Groooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot_ ,” sung the tree man, grinning at Stephanie, who was eyeing him with a slow smile. Thor practically preened under Drax’s stare, flexing her considerable muscles his way. That time, Natasha nearly lost her lunch because Drax actually groaned aloud at the sight, visibly flustered. Natasha was horrified.  _Please stop, before he sports a boner none of us want to see! Yikes!_

“Gotta...go...you know...do galaxy shit now, so-- _bye!”_ Just like that - Marvel was gone, leaving Nat fuming. Carol had taken off and left her, her face streaming tears as her shoulders shook with laughter, not meeting Nat's gaze as she sonic-boomed from the room. _T_ _ hat bitch! _

She turned in her chair, really hating having stepped up to lead the Avengers now, noticing everyone else making excuses and darting for the doors as well. Catching their stares with death glares did nothing and it ticked her off even more, knowing they knew the legendary wrath she could conjure up, but chose instead to abandon her in the room with these four idiots, completely forgetting her past life as an assassin. She used to _ kill  _ people for less, for god's sake! Didn’t that matter, anymore? 

“Drax, Groot, you two up for…” She winced, thinking that quite possibly was the worst choice of words she had ever used, watching Stephanie and Thor perk up at that, smiles widening, as she gestured between them both. “...helping Thor and Captain America survey the world defense system?”

_ You know, the one in space, away from everyone, so when you four end up shagging like wild monkeys, no one is blinded?  _ She wasn’t sure which was worse - Stephanie fucking a tree man or Drax and Thor ‘armwrestling’ naked. Both were prime nightmare fuel and she had plenty of those going on already from their pre-Thanos battle days.

“GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTT,” Grott purred, reaching for Stephanie. Drax merely nodded, asking what ship to use, and Thor giggled and grabbed her purse.

“I got us, baby. Right... _ here _ .” She patted the Prada and together - off they all went.

Natasha sat there, in complete silence, taking slow measured gulps of air, trying not to lose the contents of her stomach. Suddenly, Bruce walked in - or should she say Professor Hulk - looking even more green than he usually did.

“Don’t look outside,” he said, wandering over, “but I think Thor and Cap are shagging those two Guardians on their way to the defense ship outside Earth’s atmosphere. Like, full monty. I...will never get that out of my head. _EVER_.”

That time, she barely made it to turn, before she lost all her lunch - all over the floor.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> PS - thanks to a certain someone for the Prada-turned-hammer idea. I won’t name names, but — you totally helped spawn this thing.


End file.
